1. "Be Yourself and everyone will love you!"- For most people, this STILL isn't good advice. When people tell you this as an adult, what they are really trying to say is, "Be a cooler/better looking/richer version of yourself." If you live in Los Angeles, my advice is, "Be someone else".
2. "You can be ANYTHING you want to be when you grow up!" - OH REALLY? How about financially independent? I'm not even looking for a crazy occupation. I don't want to be The President, an astronaut, or Kelly Kapowski. To be fair, this statement may have been true in the 80's/early 90's before our country was a giant shit hole and people started occupying everything. Parents get a pass on this one.
3. "If you eat the seeds, they will grow in your stomach"- Well, to be honest, this lie seemed perfectly legit. What I found out in 8th grade, was that my friend's parents must have taken this lie one step further. She insisted that blowjobs made you pregnant. (Only now do I realize that her parents were GENIUS! Wrong seed, but hey! I bet she wasn't handing out blowjays in highschool!)
4. "You can tell me anything!" - This is the one lie that most of us didn't fall for. If it seems too good to be true, it usually is.
5. "You're so good at _____" - This needs to stop. What's so bad about giving kids a little dose of reality? "Hey, you pretty much suck at soccer. You should probably quit." There, you've solved years of continual disappointment when your kid never makes any team. Some parents truly believe their kids are phenomenal athletes, artists, musicians, etc. These kids usually end up on Reality Television.
6. "Babies come from the stork" - WRONG! Babies come from MTV and the Producers of 16 & Pregnant.
7. "Eat/Drink ______ so you can grow ____ & _____" -Now you would assume those blanks would be, veggies, milk, strong, healthy...but as an American observationist (a title I just made up), I am guessing at some point, the blanks got changed. "Eat your McDonald's so you can grow obese & diabetic!" YAYYYY FRENCH FRIES!!!
8. "We don't have favorite, we love all of you equally." -But IF you HAD to pick, who would it be? Oh, the dog? Wow...that didn't go like I had hoped.
9. "Your pet/mother/father went on vacation and I'm not sure when they'll be back" -So a family member dies and instead of letting this child grieve, you paint the picture that they are actually just completely fiscally irresponsible, taking vacations for YEARS, and also not bringing the rest of the family? Way to cause years and years of resentment.
10. "Late at night, Santa/The Easter Bunny/The Tooth Fairy come into your room and leave you a present" -So wait a second, we're not allowed to talk to strangers? But you're okay with these....THINGS sneaking into my room, late at night...in the dark...all alone...to leave "presents"? You guys are dicks.
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