If Mark Zuckerberg Could Talk...

In anticipation of the roll out of the new Timeline format for all Facebook users, here’s what I think Mark Zuckerberg would tell the haters:

Dear Facebook Minions,

With a major change right around the corner, I figured I would reach out to share a few thoughts and address a few concerns. While I think it’s extremely important that you think I care about what you think, I also want you to know that there is a reason I created this site and you didn’t: I am way smarter than you.

First thing’s first: 

Your participation here is voluntary

Over 800 million people in the world CHOOSE to use this website, for FREE, might I add. Ever run into a homeless guy begging for money, so you give him food, and he gets mad? What an asshole, right? THAT’S YOU. Stop complaining about things that are free. Here’s another example: 

Child in 3rd World Country: “My brother was eaten by a lion today”

You: “Mother fucker, I hate Facebook! This Timeline thing is confusing!”

See? You’re an asshole. Quit it. 

You’re Not That Interesting

One of the biggest “concerns” about the new Timeline feature is that it makes “stalking” easier. Few things to address here: 

1. You know it’s not stalking when Person 1 (You) voluntarily puts information on a public forum (the interwebs) and person 2 (your friend) reads it, right? 
2. This one may sting a little bit, but, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR LIFE. Now I want you to think about this one for a little bit and then slap yourself in the face. You are not that important, and the thought that the introduction of Timeline is going to make all of your Facebook friends start STALKING you is ludicrous. 

Leave the Website Building to Me

I’d love to hear your thoughts about how the website could be improved if:

1. You’ve ever built a website that ramped up to 800 million users in 6 years
2. You are Tom from Myspace

And to close, I’d like to share a few ideas that we have bouncing around the office here as Possible Future Improvements

...SIKE! You think I’d really tell you those? I care zero percent about what you think.

Please Go Die in a Fire,

The Zucks

PS- I’m rich, bitch!