Simple Thoughts from a Simple Mind...: I Got Rejected by eHarmony

Like any normal American, I spent most of today watching marathons of Family Feud on the Game Show Network. But it wasn't until Jerry Springer's new dating show, "Baggage" came on that I remembered the time I was rejected by eHarmony.

::Jumps in time machine to travel back to 2005::

It was the fall of 2005 and I was living in a house with 4 other girls. One of my roommates had just started an eHarmony account and was always getting emails and date propositions. Curious and hungry for a free meal, I thought, "Hey! I've got a splendid idea, I'll join eHarmony too!" (To be honest, it was probably when I was drunk). So I got out my laptop and started typing. Once I got past the "Find my Matches" page that tells you to enter your name and age, I thought I was well on my way. But no. I was hit by a chastity belt of questions, 45 minutes worth of surveys. Questions about my personality, activity levels, things I find important in a match, etc. I'm fairly certain the only reason I even finished the goddamn survey is because I was drunk.

So here we are, 45 minutes later. I am STOKED that I finished the survey and I'm ready to see my matches. I clicked continue and was greeted by this:

You can imagine my disappointment. Not because I wouldn't be going on an interweb date, but because I had wasted 45 minutes of precious drinking time. But wait, eHarmony, you elitist prick. What do you MEAN you can't match me? I am extremely easy to get along with, I am entertained by everything, and I place little importance on a potential boyfriend's income.

AND WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO DATE THIS?

What I later realized, and what they don't mention in their marketing, was that eHarmony has some pretty intense religious standards...and I am the child of Satan.

Now for those of you who are still wondering what "Baggage" is, let me give you the quick run down via Wikipedia:

"Similar to The Dating Game, Baggage gives three contestants the chance to win the eye of a prospective date. The contestants carry three suitcases onstage, a small, medium, and large one. Each suitcase contains an embarrassing, unique, or weird proposition the contestant may have; for example, bad habits (e.g. "I share a bed with my grandmother"), strange relationship preferences ("My partner must dress up as Santa Claus"), issues with one's past ("I'm an outlaw in Mexico"), and strange hobbies ("I play video games 30 hours a week"). These cases will represent the "baggage" to which they will confess and defend. The bigger the suitcase, the bigger the secret or "baggage" is. Once the three contestants are pared down to one, the potential dater must admit to a fault of his or her own."

Riveting stuff, huh? Let's keep this moving.

So the second round of baggage is revealed without the Picker knowing WHOSE baggage it is. In
today's episode, one of the contestants' suitcases revealed that she was rejected by an online dating site.