Lies Your Parents Told You

1. "Be Yourself and everyone will love you!"- For most people, this STILL isn't good advice. When people tell you this as an adult, what they are really trying to say is, "Be a cooler/better looking/richer version of yourself." If you live in Los Angeles, my advice is, "Be someone else". 

2. "You can be ANYTHING you want to be when you grow up!" - OH REALLY? How about financially independent? I'm not even looking for a crazy occupation. I don't want to be The President, an astronaut, or Kelly Kapowski. To be fair, this statement may have been true in the 80's/early 90's before our country was a giant shit hole and people started occupying everything. Parents get a pass on this one. 

3. "If you eat the seeds, they will grow in your stomach"- Well, to be honest, this lie seemed perfectly legit. What I found out in 8th grade, was that my friend's parents must have taken this lie one step further. She insisted that blowjobs made you pregnant. (Only now do I realize that her parents were GENIUS! Wrong seed, but hey! I bet she wasn't handing out blowjays in highschool!)

4. "You can tell me anything!" - This is the one lie that most of us didn't fall for. If it seems too good to be true, it usually is.

5. "You're so good at _____" - This needs to stop. What's so bad about giving kids a little dose of reality? "Hey, you pretty much suck at soccer. You should probably quit." There, you've solved years of continual disappointment when your kid never makes any team. Some parents truly believe their kids are phenomenal athletes, artists, musicians, etc. These kids usually end up on Reality Television.

6. "Babies come from the stork" - WRONG! Babies come from MTV and the Producers of 16 & Pregnant.

7. "Eat/Drink ______ so you can grow ____ & _____"  -Now you would assume those blanks would be, veggies, milk, strong, healthy...but as an American everything we eat is most certainly going to kill us. 

8. "We don't have favorite, we love all of you equally." -But IF you HAD to pick, who would it be? Oh, the dog? Wow...that didn't go like I had hoped.

9. "Your pet/mother/father went on vacation and I'm not sure when they'll be back" -So a family member dies and instead of letting this child grieve, you paint the picture that they are actually just completely fiscally irresponsible, taking vacations for YEARS, and also not bringing the rest of the family? Way to cause years and years of resentment. 

10. "Late at night, Santa/The Easter Bunny/The Tooth Fairy come into your room and leave you a present" -So wait a second, we're not allowed to talk to strangers? But you're okay with these....THINGS sneaking into my room, late at night...in the dark...all alone...to leave "presents"? You guys are dicks.

The 10 Friends You Can’t Stand (but keep around anyway)

1. The Clinger- A Stage 5 Clinger is usually associated with a member of the opposite sex in a dating situation, but ever had a friend that seemed to have zero life of their own? You know this friend, they ask you what you’re up to...every day. At least in a dating situation, you can usually get a free dinner (or sex, for you low standard males). On the plus side, for those occasions where you are in desperate need of a sidekick, they are ALWAYS available.
2. The Spoiled Brat- I can’t even figure out how these people function on this planet. If you are over the age of 12 and you still call your father, “daddy”, you may be (definitely are) a spoiled brat. Unless your daddy has invited me on your next family vacation, I don’t care. Sidenote: I will take back everything I said to go on that vacation.
3. The Hot One- This one can only get worse if they’re also really nice. Fortunately, most hot people are total dickbags. There is almost no upside to having a friend like this.
4. The “One Upper”- The “One Upper” is someone you’ve met thousands of times in your life. On the playground, they had a better toy. In college, they had a hotter boyfriend. And in the workplace, they make more money. Try this: Tell your friend you have a curable STD (Chlamydia, perhaps). They will try to One Up you by getting Gonorrhea. That’ll teach ‘em.
5. The Sloppy Drunk- Stop throwing up on me. 
6. The Bad Tipper- This is the guy you NEVER want to split a check with. This one will justify putting in $20 less because they only ordered a water. What a dick. 
7. The Sensitive One- I don’t know about you guys, but when my friends ask for my opinion on their outfits, and they look horrible, I tell them something else would look better. Stop crying, you’re embarrassing me.
8. The Complainer- Nothing is ever good enough for this friend. “There are no hot people at this bar”, “It smells like vomit in here”, “my wallet just stolen”. OKAY, we get it. Do you really need to be yapping constantly?! 
9. The Successful One- Double asshole points if your successful friend is also a one upper. Look, if I wanted to feel badly about myself, I would watch the Victoria’s Secret Runway show on repeat. Plus side: Since your friend is so successful, you can guilt trip them into spotting you money for dinner.
10. The Information Overloader- I love some good dirt as much as the next girl, but I could be spared on some details. When talking about hookups, please leave out details about: smells & noises. Also, when talking about poop: ...wait. No. Just stop talking about poop.

It could be worse...

I've always been one to look at circumstances from a relatively optimistic point of view. I know that I have lived a very privileged life and have heard myself say a million times, "It could be worse". So why, after I just spent two weeks in an extremely impoverished country, am I having the hardest time finding the good in my life?

India was absolutely incredible. Such an eye-opening experience. Driving the hour into the city almost daily made me more grateful for everything I have than I could have ever imagined. Stray dogs, starving children, homes made out of rope and cloth, but yet these are the nicest people I have ever met in my life. How can they be so happy when they have next to nothing? Leaving a two dollar tip bought us the royal treatment everywhere we went. Two dollars? Here, a two dollar tip would be downright offensive to a server, but there, it's enough to live off of for a few days. Instead of being consumed by computers, television and video games, they spend time with each other. They dance and listen to music and laugh and eat (Well, the men have most of the fun, while they women stand by). The point is, they have so few material possessions, which are so important to Americans, and yet they seem so much happier.

Since I've been back, I've been bombarded with bad news and I can't help but feel completely defeated. But as soon as I feel that way, I have this overwhelming guilt of being selfish. Sure, things haven't gone my way for the last couple of weeks, but I have food on the table, a roof over my head and an incredibly supportive family. It could be worse! Right? Of course it could, but at what point do we get to actually feel sad or defeated or disappointed without having to compare it to someone else's troubles? Do we ever?

While I am so very appreciative of all I have (opportunities, material possessions and otherwise), I have found myself falling victim to self-pity. At this point, I just need a tiny shred of good news to lift my spirits and reignite my optimism. But until then, I guess I'll just remind myself that, It could be worse!